In ur millions of friends, consider me as a friend to share things, have a walk, sip a cup of coffee, watch a movie, laugh out, live life.- An SMS shouted in my mobile today!
Hatread begetS violEnce- Subtitle of 'Yogi' movie that caught my attention while driving behind an auto that was having this poster.
That left me in a puzzled state bringing back nostalgia after quite a long time.
Back in my college life, I didn't have much friends. I sticked to a very few. Probably because only they matched with my interests and was more in way 'I can adjust'. And for those, hmmm!, I wasn't that great a friend though, which took a very long time for me to realise. "Everything relationship is a result of some need. Only a few sustains once the needs are satisfied!!" [Courtesy: Me from my college days!]
That was the time I went in search of lots of friends. Became a flirt? as I was called so! Tried to figure out what was in lacking me. Got many many reports - just like Manipal gives me!! One of them being from K, 'You always tend to be in your room doing something in your computer. You never concentrate on who's around you!'. Mmmm.. ya! Agreed. I was like that. For the reasons being - 1. I got my computer after years and years of yearning. It was an 5 yr dream come true and I was totally attached to it than any other soul in hostel. 2. I generally can't concentrate on 2 things at the same time. And more often when one of them is a computer! 3. I! had! the responsbility / onus of punching every damn character for every other project throughout my 8 semesters. And, as a result, I never came out of my room. Also adding to this, I generally had an impression that none likes me. I was there for 'put-my-quoted-phrase-here'. Because, people were behind few others - always treating them as Gods!! I cannot throw my ego and behave like a u-shout-at-my-wife-i-dont-care-a-darn or u-shout-any-bad-word-who-cares person. I, by very being, since my childhood, can never ever tolerate such things. I don't care if I'm extracted work to the fullest as long as I'm considered as a friend rather than being a worthy servant. And, I, since childhood, was the cynosure throughout my school life. All of a sudden I can't put me in a situation where people just use me!
Throwing all my ego, I went out to search more and more people. I never cared if it was as boy or a girl. And, I stopped coding during my pastime. Just for the sake of being away from my computer. But still.. there were issues. All throughout the past 2 years. People, though seemed to treat me as a friend couldn't accept me fully. I was again a servant at times of need. The very essence of frienship - to share things lacked a lot from every person around me. As long as I come to know from X or Y or Z about A or B or C, A or B or C wouldn't tell me anything - and 'vice' versa. Friendship is all about joy. Ofcourse, the comfort in pain is there - which is the most important. But, as a whole, it's about bringing in happiness. Did I get any bit of it? And the reason for the expected answer was quoted to be 'my expectations'!! Watching a movie or going for a walk or meeting at a coffee point or sitting and speaking over sweet nothings in a park - those should have been the eventful things that I 'expected'. While it happened among others - I - was standing as a mute observer - or even a blind observer - to all that happened!! With all those 'grave reasons' I was only able to stand speechless knowing that none of those reasons were true! Purposeful avoidances, punishments, ditching away, indifference, 'not-told-to-you-for-the-sake-of-not-to-hurt-you', 'not-told-to-you-for-the-sake-of-not-to-put-you-in-trouble', portrayal of ego, lack of compromise, vengeance - was what I could see throughout. When people could run for help just for someone crying for 2 hours, I struggled to overcome my high BP throughout the night with none coming for help. When people could adjust any kind of food and eat anywhere, I, for the past 2.5 years had never ever been accompanied by someone for having my dinner [unless it was a b'day treat for which I was called for-the-sake-of-calling!]. When people could go for movies together every month portraying some reason for-my-sake, I've never been accompanied by anyone for any movie that I've called each one in the past 2.5 years. With everyone wearing every new style coming into the market, and when people can come early from office for carrying one's friend's shopping bags - I wear ragged clothes, as I never had anyone to come with me for purchase. I was fortunately [as I was asked to call it so] given the chance of atleast seeing the new robes bought! Those were the days in my childhood when 'I' used to select dress for every memeber in my family of 20 people since my 5th std. Today.. I stand as a Software Beggar! With certain of them kneeling in front of others for not going out with them for once, I've never been accompanied by anyone even after quite a lot times of asking if anyone could get me out.
I, till now, couldn't get to know how all-those-mature minds couldn't understand why I 'expect' so 'many' 'not-for-sale' things! It's just about an year or two till friends could enjoy life together going around the city. Once someone got married, it ll be more about one's own family than about one's friends. People generally would like to spend time with better halfs and not (bitter-in-case-of-me) friends going further. Probaly A and B, or C and D .. T and U can be so! I can't expect that to happen in my life - for it has not happened even now before marriage!! All I - anyone for that matter - have got is just a period of 1 year at max. With everyone giving this thought a valid concern and utilising that 1 year at the fullest, and ditching me away... hmmm!! I couldn't comment on why I'm being forced to live a life like this.
Well.. Finally [for-those-sighing.. i didnt ask you to read] confessions!!
- Yes! I EXPECT!
- Yes! I EXPECT a LOOOOOOOT!
- Yes! I've begged people to speak to me!
- And ya! I've requested people not to speak to me in my life time ever after! - And they happily agreed to it even!
- Yes! I want to be the cynosure!
- But again.. I can accept a life with people around me understanding my feelings and emotions atleast!
- Yes! I want myself to be cuddled and pampered - and that's the way I was brought up! I don't find a reason - why I should be blamed for everything - though not cuddled!
- Yes! I ask for help - but only when I realise I cannot do it! There are things which people can't do it on their own in this world! Even Nepolean for that matter!
- Yes! I want people to give reviews for something I did - at the same time I hate when people do the same for the saking of doing!
- Yes! I want an ACK - if not a reply - for every mail I send. I don't send any review of Vijay's lost flop or Vadivel's vaththal comedies!
- Yes! I want to be considered as a friend always - not when X or Y or Z goes out of one's life or A or B or C comes in on the other hand! - I'm not a free commodity that comes with Kumudham!
- Yes! I want my friends [who I feel are treating me so - and if that's my mistake - I pity myself for being a prey of deceiving art] to spend time for me as well - INDIVIDUALLY - as they spend for others! I don't want it to be accurate in every second. But atleast to 1/10th of what is being spent.
- Yes! I CAN 'tolerate nonsenses'. But not ego!
- Yes! I want things to be shared with me - if not 100% - atleast 80% - for friendship on very being is formed only on sharing something. Without which the yellow shirt crossing MG road or the Blue chudidaar walking along Pondy Bazaar are no different from 'you'!
- Yes! I want any bad news - when regarding me - to hit me first and the sooner - than reaching my ears through E or F or G after a long time.
- Yes! I want some space in heart!
Yes! I've resolved to coding AGAIN! With my laptop being my only companion these days!
Disclaimers:
- The title of the post is the name of the movie that I watched today with my sister commenting, "probably perfect for you!! :P".
- For those who consider this as a 'diary' - well yes! it is!! a digital diary! I dont have great bunch of friends. And with those I have, I've been stricly ordered not to share any information by old pals. So, I!, can only have my blog post as something where I can vent out things. Like it was once said by HWMNBN, 'He atleast vents out things in a fit of rage!'. So, it's just reader's discretion to stay away from such posts!
- I've also been told by G, 'You cannot disappoint your readers by such posts!!'. Well yes! I'm sorry. But I've no choice. I tend to be at both the ends. A post on 'Astamaththu sani' will also be there. And posts of this sort will also be there. I don't follow the 'Golden Rule'!
- And this is not based on any X or Y or Z in particular. This is about every other person around me in my life!! And I mean it! For those of you who feel it other way - I can't do anything about it! And this is not a disclaimer unlike in previous posts!
